Thursday, March 22, 2007

This entry will be the result of my outburst of feelings and thoughts. So much was being bottled up in me, what could be a better thing to just let the all off? What can be a better company, then to have someone to share. Sadly, i am left with here, the blog. Perhaps i should just have this blog ended in this way. It had served me good for 3/4 years. I named it " i am gonna smile " with the hope that i will be smiling again after the failure in my first relationship. Second to come, it go on with me to my college life, one that could never be better than knowing those who really cared. Many a times to even people closest, closer to heart, they never knew my pain. Holding to the belief that nothing can be too big to contain, and also with my selfishness actions, i hurt people unknowingly in my ways.. i own far too many apologies to them.

Then it come a period of self exploration, one that i went far wrong and hit the ground. And also a period of undeserved grace of time. Though i hold my own time, i called it undeserving because i simply wasted it.

So right here and now, i do for once felt lonely. No God in my heart, no friends, no true family, and no one that i deserve to stand aside/along with. Just the naked me, not tied to anything, not holding to anyone, but helpless and cold stoned staring into the new emptiness that i created. I want and wish to cry for a better tomorrow, but there's nothing left more.

And to the lowest point i stand, and i always thought i hit the lowest once, but with new experience of life, there's will be more lowest to hit. more mistakes to make. more painful experiences. All i want is to truly feel myself one more.

Afterall, i am not so strong a soul too. My weakness is hitting on me again.

jjia leaving skool at 4:39 AM

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