Friday, January 27, 2006

Goodbye my lover.

My dearest dora.

Should i set sail on this journey myself? will she be back to me again? or will she still be a friend of mine.

I am just giving all my rights to this relationship. To make it open, i am at a cross road.
There's one silly thought -

i always think that if u stop thinking about a person, she will stop thinking of u. It turns out to be quite true.

It's just 2 weeks when i tried to keep her off my mind, and i lost her totally. I kept her off to find myself back in pieces, so lost.

I am lovesick doctor dora, figure out she don't give me smiles and apples now.

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Thursday, January 26, 2006

I am done packing with my luaggage..

Off to malaysia for cny..

Thank God for give me e chance to be home again.. I am no holy man of what u think.
I guess i sin so much in this week that i deserve a great wrath on me.

I guess the most fucked up thing is when u are always so blinded by the fold that sretch so deeply across ur eyes. U just can't get to see what there for u. What u missed, that very image of the person that u see in the past. It's a collection of blurred picture of a beautiful lady that stood by the beach with a beautiful scarf. It's that ger that u adore, who u loved. Who u thought u will be spending the rest of ur life with.. Right now, i am being stabbed so deep that my heart can heartly bleed. It will probably stop as next second seemed so long to bear..so hard to breathe. Fuck it. I can't even had a bloody gd enjoyment.

I like violence..I lived in one with myself.

Gona kill the one that i hate. Just a joke la..

Well, it's simply a reflection of how fuck up things can get in a day with the one u love..
I simply choose the hard way out, send her a fucked up msg and the world ends there.
Two things can happen to me tml - continue my life as fuck up as it was now, forget everything the things are back to the old dull, boring world.

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Sunday, January 22, 2006

Kungfu Hustle 

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Surprisingly saturday go passed so quickly, slept through half of the day. It's just any lazy Saturday except this time round it wasn't back at home. I was confined..

So Chinese New Year is just round the corner, with about one week left before young and unmarried people start collecting hong baos and blessing from the more senior elders and eldery. Somehow, i wasn't really into the cny mood yet, partly due to the hectic schedule and short weekends - i mean really short . I think i will just go by it unprepared, without much new clothes to choose from and aso with no new particular haircut of my choice and the list goes on..with so much things i thought i might be getting. It's just like that.. i am no longer a child where ur parents will bring you to pre cny shopping and do the neccessary preparation for u. I did went chinatown once last week though.

You are left there to get urself prepared.. and ready up for the once a yr show and getting to see relatives who you seldom see... or i shall say i never bother to go visiting them throughout the year. I am deemed super anti-relative sociable, sure they won't give me Big AngBao...haha but i think it's kinda fun getting down to see the 2 oldfolks ( grandparents) then talk abit and finally have reunion dinner and wala cny is over again.. Haha i am sure that's how i spent it for the past few years..

Just there, a week away.

I just realised that there are other things happening too...i am older now, with more responsbility.
Just prayed for some peaceful moments.

God bless all.

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Saturday, January 14, 2006

It's 3.19pm.

319 sounds really a nice number.. I figure out people around today seemed abit impatient, probably because it's sunny today. With the absence of mr sunny due to e past week of rain, today is a gd day to go out and have some fun.. To feel the sun, see e clear sky..

Next week, i am going back to the mountain block of 5 storeys and a confinement day awaits. I will have 24hrs ++ more all for myself. It's e first time i am going through it, to make it worst, i am the only one having to go through that.. Cheers..

My, me jj?a music-maniac? which e playlist had only three song. MM is there such word? I am a maniac, the songs just add on to everything i feel. I got two new songs today down e list- one blood, and ji ba ban ( hokkien song which sounds like what e dreams of all singaporean ) real funny with e song. Of course the last song is FUCK it.. The list makes a perfect music combination, A funny song, then a song of betrayal.. and ends with a song of brotherhood... This reminds me of the main character in the book of High Fidelity.. Just a afternoon, with the companion of alcohol and smoke, he spent the time.. As he figure out on his broken relationship. On comparision, i am much off better, i had coffee instead of alcohol, i didn't smoke either.. my relationship is yet to be broken. So i am, much better off.. maybe without all this shiet.

That guy in Fidelity never remain faithful... The title High fidelity cast a big contrast onto him. His faithfulness is always being tested by lust and sex, n with bits of loneliness.. i think women are really much better off without a bloke.. I guess sometime man should not be trusted at all... But again, the betrayal from a woman comes like a long sharpened dagger, with full throttle, it just plunge all e way, i really mean all e way into ur heart. U never know when it will come, so u can never attempt to dodge it. The story will always end with e man dying there, killed by his most loved. What crap am i typing man?

ok, shall get myself to be more organised with my thoughts. Seriously, i find it real hard to express one's feeling handily down to a person. To make things worst, it awlays turn out to my own disadvanatge. Why not just keep my self in the buddha-like composure, make it calm. But that will choke me, and make me numb.. after awhile, i don't think i will be even speaking.. That's me, after so many years, i am still lousy with words. Even blooging here makes me choke..

At times, when i come back to read what i wrote, i feel really choke up, dumbfolded to see why am i in that state of mind..when i think i shd be doing fine.

Cheer on again.. it's just 295days more to go.
Cheer on because u know u will be happily going somewhere at e end of 06
Cheer on because u know u will really study hard to see those A's in ur study bag
Cheer on because u know u will be dammn rich next time.
Cheer on because u will make e world a better place.
Cheer on because ur family will be so happy next time.
Cheer on because as u die, u know many will remember u.
Cheer on because death is the liberation to life.

Cheer on, because now you found some peace with urself.

Cheer on because it's gona be 4pm soon. I am going out to enjoy e sun!

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Friday, January 13, 2006

Is it just me making things worst?

Am i to be blame because i just felt unhappy..

Called cy to talk, when she just got attached. I always though she probably be so busy that she won't have time to comfort me. Yes, she's busy but with work, also troubled becasue her result needed some bucking up. Well, at least i told her stuff which are being simply turn away, or ignored by others. Derrick is another arse pain, guess i lost track so much that he's back to his tank. Felt bad asking him out for a midnite movie, cause he gona feel very rush n tired for work, so i just simply call it off..

No doubt, i am just fallin
into a state of solitary..

Sometimes as things go bad, u can't help to blame others first, but on second thought, u have no one but urself to blame.

Fuck it man.. a long week awaits me. I have no mood of getting into a royale rumble or some other shiet again, but again, cny is coming. I just gona just smile n get through it.

To junren who hurt his back in e ruby game, get well and God bless u a speedy recovery.

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Thursday, January 05, 2006

Back for awhile, always feels so nice to be home..

Anyway i learned something new this week.

Which is the will to fight overcome all odds.

I am not trained to fight, but i hope i do have e will to fight on.

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Monday, January 02, 2006

Felt extremely lonely and upset today.

Pure foolishness.. So reckless in my decision yesterdae..

But again, it's again funny to laugh at urself when things happen ( maybe this is one happy thoughts that i can find )

I laugh because it's funny to see how when one gets angry, he actually to wish to find a hole to place his busted head into it. How funny, it's when he gets angry n e world finds him a joke. A joke that even he himself admitted to after all e happenings..

All i have today, were a album of photos, some pieces of memories.. and wang lee hon's new ablum with me.

And maybe days, weeks or months of loneliness..

i really just wanna find a hole n dig my head into it.

the only consolation i have today is " let's forget about it. just don't make me sad again. "

it's means i am forgiven or what , i am still trying to catch hold of any positive cells that are drifting across my brain.

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Sunday, January 01, 2006

The last year of the day was spent meangingfully in the compound of the camp, upholding the integrity and pride of a soldier. I had none though.. but indeed it's was a virgin night, filled with sweat and aching..

Am i still abit too late to note down my new year resolution? It's 06 and 05 is no more there.. And it's again the closure of a year. I am certain that the last quater of the year was much happier.

Looking back to the path that i had walked, i can't help but to find bitterness and regretness. I braved the shiet and shed some blood. Cried like what most man will do when they hit the brim of saddness, to a tipping point when all tears and saddness never seemed so real to me..

I can't help but to still feel an ache in my heart when i turn to see it.

I lost my freedom and ability to walk for many days in exchange of the freedom of e civillian life. I found bits and pieces scattered all along the path, i picked up some pieces back in that span of time, while just leaving the remaining untouched. I believe it's meant to be that way. U can't have all of the world at e same time.

Now, i am here.. quite close to what i yearn for.. quite close to my dreams.
I guess i will not walk alone again,

and again, this man of the earthly planet wish that in time to come, he will never have to walk alone.

It doesn't sound so much a resolution, but more like the prints that was behind me..

Walk on and be brave.

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The small eye day. Taken on e 30th.. 

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